Today has been a strange day for me blog-wise. I did something I’m not good at. I grew up a little and stopped behaving like an immature brat.

Seeing this morning’s Prompt (and, please, for the love of God, don’t have a Risk question as the Prompt tomorrow!!!) I used it to vent about my issues with a social media site that acted badly towards me. I had mentioned them before. And alluded to them before. And posted in anger bc of them before.

I’m bad at moving on. I keep finding myself drawn back to previous hurts. Picking at scabs. Focusing on the bad behind me rather than the good in front of me. And I know it. I’m like an alcoholic, fully sober, stopping at the liquor store for a bottle of whiskey that he knows will feed his addiction and hurt his soul.

And I need to be better.

And I was. I deleted the post and one before it and wrote different stuff.

Anticipate a relapse.

Anticipate many relapses.

This is sort of a relapse.

She gave herself very good advice, but she very rarely followed it. 🙂

I want my blog to be positive. I want it to show the best of me, not the bitter, nasty, spiteful side. I want it to be the side of me that gets all excited and rambling and bouncy bc of a great book or movie or flavor of ice cream. I want it to be the side of me that can find something so hilariously funny that I almost pee myself and snort. Then insist loudly that I did not snort. I want it to be the side of me that wants to babysit Calvin and build fantasies with him (and may possibly have a sort of non-weird crush on Hobbes).

I want my blog to be the me that I struggle to be in real life.

bc, at my best, I am f**king awesome!!! 🙂

Heh. But I’m still working to get there. IRL, I am, on good days, one step above vermin.

So, as I say, expect many relapses. I’m not a good person. I’m not a likeable person. I’m not a personable person.

Sometimes I even wonder if I’m a person.

I. AM. A. MESS.

A. TERRIBLE. F**KED. UP. MESS.

BUT. AT. MY. BEST. A. GLORIOUSLY. F**KED. UP. MESS.

So, closing the loop. This morning I posted a screed against a a social media site that currently has me on indefinite suspension without the right to appeal.

That’s BS talk for banned, but not banned.

They did it bc I bared my shoulder.

I responded my standard way. I had a semi-nervous breakdown.

No biggie.

Then – unusually for me – I fought back. I created art. Kind of. It’s art in the sense that Kandinsky is a realist. Gloriously terrible weird challenging stupid garbage art.

But still better than at least 60% of the ‘art’ on their site.

Here are my submissions to that site:

My plan was/is to keep this separate from my blog. I love my blog. As I say it is where I want to be my better self. Steer myself away from the nasty spiteful creature I am.

And this was not that better self.

It was the snarling little critter that I am at heart.

But I need to stop being if I want to get better.

My most popular posting on here has less than a hundred views. My most popular posting of the above has over 2.5K views. On my real account with them b4 they pulled the plug, over 12K. In less than a month.

Do you get why it’s hard?

And, yeah, this is a relapse. Sorry.

Remembering that i am a silly little girl who feels so alone and unloved, what number do you think hits the addiction button?

i’ll try and be better tomorrow.