Hi, so this is me. Madison. Or rather it’s me after some makeup apps, and color adjustments, and cropping and selection from a dozen other photos I took. My real skin isn’t as clear, my ability at eye makeup is nowhere near this level, and I’m looking all super positive. Other than that, it is me. Kind of.

I’m a mess. There should be a support group for us. Hi, my name is Madison, and I am a mess. Normally I would use harsher language, but I decided to try and be better. Be calmer online. Be less abrasive. I recently had a bad experience on Social Media. I was on another site, where someone responded to this photo by saying I was wearing the arm sleeves bc I slash myself (I don’t). I also think at least 2 people were trying to groom me. The person who said I slash myself later, on a different photo, told me that I should kill myself. I did complain to the site but the person telling me to harm myself is still up, as are the groomers. My account isn’t. I posted another photo (I will include it here at some point) that got me banned for “unacceptable content depicting underage characters and/or models”. The photo was of myself, in skinny black jeans and a top that left one shoulder bare. The Social Media site in question has many people posting pictures of girls my age and younger that they found on the internet wearing bikinis, or skimpy outfit, or are photographed up their skirts without their apparent knowledge. These individuals are not banned, but a girl offering a more chaste photo of themselves is banned. Welcome to being a teenage girl on the internet! Men who post photos of us are players, if we post photos of ourselves we are teenage sluts.

So, this is my blog. There are many like it…so I doubt many people will see it. And I’m fine with that. This is my opportunity to scream into the void, fully knowing that only a few people at most will see it, and fewer still will care. We live as we dream, alone (Joseph Conrad’s “Heart of Darkness” I read an insane amount and love quoting smarter people so as to pretend I’m smart and more sophisticated than I am).

I’m looking at WordPress’ paid options, but although I am financially in a good place for my age (upper middle class parents – Daddy’s an Army Officer, and Mommy is a Dietician) and I make top dollar for babysitting other people’s kids on base, it feels tough tossing down a hundred plus bucks or more for the upgrade. Maybe if someone wants to trade paying for it in exchange for photos of me….aaaaannnnnnddddd I’m kidding!!! I made that joke on the Social Media site and, honestly…it didn’t go that bad. Someone purchased a month’s membership for a ‘lingerie photo’ and was cool when I took a photo of some of my lingerie (without me in it). Heck, he was nice and actually decent, even if a bit intense. And that’s the problem. Was he just a naturally intense person who wanted me to grow artistically and was willing to help nurture my talent, or was he a groomer who just wanted to do things to me? That’s the problem as a teen girl, nice people and those who just want to get into your panties look awfully similar online.

So you know, I’m not looking for someone to get into my panties. If I’m honest, I don’t even really get the whole “sex” thing. I’ll write more about it at a later date, but I think I’m asexual. Sex and stuff requires intimacy and I think I have a problem with that. I’m not good with other people. And it’s a shame bc I may have hurt/miscategorized a good, decent artistic spirit as a bad person for taking an interest in me. But, that sounds about right. I’m, in my own way, toxic. Or, well, I feel I am. I’m bad at expressing myself IRL. I don’t socialize well. I’m awkward and get insane social anxiety. Get the picture? So I lash out. I feel enraged. I’m full of spite and hurt online bc I can’t be that way irl. Right now, I’m on a high. The last couple of days I’ve felt super positive. But it won’t last. And I’ll hurt people who are nice to me.

I like to think my “spirit animal” is some horrible little creature in a cave, and all you can see is it’s beady red eyes looking out, it’s sharp fangs bared. And it is snarling and vicious and ready to go for the throat. I wish I was better, but I’m not.